An exhaustive intro for the kink-curious, spanning everything you need to know about how to get started with BDSM.
With films like Babygirl and Pillion being released over the past year, topics of kink and BDSM have been circling in the zeitgeist. However, did they ever really leave? Over the past decade, after the runaway success of the Fifty Shades of Grey franchise, the kink and BDSM subcultures have become an increasingly mainstream obsession.
The number of music videos, TV shows and films tapping into themes of leather, bondage, domination and submission are almost too various to count, as is the growing inspiration of BDSM, leather, and latex aesthetics on designer fashion.
But beyond the media and cultural interest, there really does seem to be a shifting tide: more and more individuals are wanting to experiment with kink, fetish, bondage, domination and submission in their sex lives.
For example, statistics from the erotic content creation platform Clips4Sale, reveals that a number of female domination genres topped their trends from 2025: including face sitting and giantess porn (a fantasy of being shrunken down and then dominated by a giant woman).
Elsewhere, breath play (also known as ‘choking’ or erotic asphyxiation) has become increasingly commonplace, with a recent UK study suggesting that almost half of young people have engaged in choking during sex. On the dating app Feeld, annual data shows that cis men on the platform have undergone a 200% increase in interest in pegging (where men are penetrated with a strap-on).
However, despite the increase in visibility of this sexual diversity both in and out of the bedroom, there is still plenty of misinformation surrounding kink and BDSM.
Whether it’s due to social media censorship which prohibits sex workers and sex educators from discussing the intricacies and specificities of different dynamics, or the anti-kink bias which still permeates much of the media and entertainment industries, it can be hard to find reliable and unprejudiced information on how to embark upon a kink or BDSM lifestyle.
So, in order to discover more about kink and BDSM, we’ve consulted the professional dominatrix Miss May.
What is BDSM?
Miss May is a professional dominatrix and dungeon owner who is also a prominent sex educator, delivering talks and workshops on BDSM and domination. She is also a prominent voice on social media, with tens of thousands of followers, and is a key voice in providing information about alternative sexual lifestyles online.
After exploring the kink and BDSM lifestyle through parties such as Klub Verboten, she would then turn her passion into a career and become a professional dominatrix.
She explains:
My professional journey started in Berlin, where I started working in a dungeon. For the last five years, I have been working between Berlin and London, with the occasional tour around the world. Three years ago, I opened my own dungeon called E1 darkroom in London.
With this experience in the world of alternative sexuality, Miss May is particularly well-placed to explore what, exactly, we mean when we talk about BDSM. So, what does BDSM mean, according to an expert? Here’s what Miss May had to say.
Her answer is succinct:
BDSM is a term for bondage, discipline and sadomasochism
In short, BDSM tends to involve a set of activities which explore power exchange, pain, domination, or submission. There are plenty of different roles and preferences within the subculture.
For example, within the context of power exchange, a dominatrix is often the individual who holds the power within a BDSM dynamic – working within the limits and preferences of a play partner in order to distribute pain, pleasure, and control. Submissives tend to go hand-in-hand with a dominatrix, and are attracted to different situations or scenarios where their control is limited, often through demands imposed (consensually, of course) by a dominatrix.
When it comes to pain, there are a few other set roles in the scene. Sadomasochists derive erotic pleasure from consensually imposing physical or psychological pain on a sexual partner, whereas a masochist derives their pleasure from pain. There are a number of different methods of pain play used within BDSM, which includes impact play (often spanking, or the use of whips) and corporal punishment (pain inflicted as a ‘punishment’ in role play).
Bondage refers to the process of tying up or restraining a partner, and there are various sexual practices associated with this aspect of BDSM. Some individuals use gags, handcuffs, blindfolds but individuals interested in rope play might also be interested in shibari: a Japanese erotic bondage technique which involves tying up a partner in intricate rope patterns.
It’s worth mentioning that some individuals in the community identify as switches: where they may be able to fulfil either a dominant or submissive role, depending on the context and their mood.
What is a kink versus what is fetish?
Other terms which are often used to describe alternative sexualities are “kink” and “fetish”, but what do they mean? And how do they differ from one another?
Well, a kink is a term for a sexual interest or proclivity which isn’t considered typical: for example, kinky sex is normally seen as the opposite of vanilla sex. A fetish, however, is slightly different. As opposed to a kink, a fetish entails an erotic interest in an activity, inanimate object, or scenario, without which it is impossible to reach sexual arousal or climax.
Here’s a brief comparison of the difference between the two:
- If you say you have a “tickling kink”, you’re referring to having a sexual interest in tickling.
- However, if you say you have a “ticking fetish”, you’re saying that you’re not just sexually aroused by tickling but that tickle play is a necessity for you to become aroused or to reach orgasm.
As Miss May explains, there is a huge variety of different kinks and fetishes out there. She says:
The main areas and activities within BDSM and kink differ from person to person. Some common kinks are feet play, pain play, spanking, water sports, and rubber, and these are all activities I offer. However, I would say that everyone has their own kink.
Alongside the various roles and activities within BDSM that are already listed in this article, there are a number of kinks and fetishes such as cuckolding (when a male partner watches his female partner having sex with someone else) and a primal fetish (where individuals adopt animalistic, primal personas during sex).
There are also kinks and fetishes which revolve around certain fabrics and materials, such as latex, leather, rubber, and nylon, wherein an individual may be sexually aroused by the touch, sensation and look of this fabric.
Additionally, some individuals enjoy activities such as knife play (using a dagger or knife in sexual play), needle play (piercing the skin with sterilised needles), blood play (the use of a partner’s blood, or blood imagery, in sex), and erotic electro-stimulation (mild electro-stimulation on the genitals and other body parts, requiring the use of specific, safe-to-use sex toys).
All forms of BDSM and kink must be undertaken with safety in mind, with practices such as consent agreements, boundaries, and after care included in the process.
What are some of the misconceptions about BDSM and kink?
While more and more individuals are gaining greater awareness of BDSM and kink due to media and entertainment industry interest, misconceptions and stigma still continue. This can contribute to feelings of sexual shame, and may prevent people from exploring the kinks that would allow them to find sexual empowerment.
For Miss May, one of the biggest pieces of misinformation about BDSM is that there is no depth or emotional aspect to the exchange. She Says:
I think people often think that kink and BDSM are very shallow, that my submissives come to see me, they suffer, and then they leave. But there is so much more depth in the encounters. My clients come and see me, and they trust me with their deepest fantasies. It’s much deeper psychologically than people might think.
Miss May also highlights that, contrary to what some individuals might believe, she doesn’t “hate” or dislike her clients, even if she is inflicting pain upon them.
Another misconception is that I hate men. I don’t hate men and being a professional dominatrix requires a lot of empathy for clients. There's a lot of empathy in hurting someone, or exploring humiliation, and making them feel safe whilst doing it. It's a release for my clients.
There’s also a lingering belief that kink of BDSM are ‘wrong’ or ‘deviant’. However, when all parties are fully consenting adults, this couldn’t be farther from the case. In fact, kink and BDSM aren’t things to be ashamed of, and by embracing our kinks we can find greater self-acceptance in all aspects of our lives. Says Miss May:
Through kink, you’re able to unleash your deepest and darkest desires and live that out. If you do that, you will have a freer life because you’re freeing yourself of your shame I believe that we should all live life authentically, because we only get one life, so I think it's important to be the filthiest, most honest version of yourself.
How to begin experimenting with BDSM and kink
Even if you’re interested in BDSM or kink, you might not know where to start.
To begin to identify areas of particular interest, you can explore platforms like OnlyFans and Clips4Sale, where content creators explore different fetishes or kinks.
Then, if you begin to want to play with partners, you can experiment with different apps or parties. Miss May adds:
You can use dating apps like Feeld or attend events like Klub Verboten, Crossbreed and Riot, if you’re based in London. If you’re a beginner, you can always use the website Fetlife.
Before going to a play party, a party where there are darkroom facilities, you can also attend “munches”: non-sexual meet-ups for BDSM and kink communities. This is an opportunity to meet other kink-inclined people in a low pressure, non-sexual environment, so that you can learn more and ask questions.
It’s important to also prepare before any interaction on the kink and BDSM scene, by ensuring that you have undergone sexual health testing, so that you can share your status with any prospective partners and make informed sexual health decisions.
Miss May also emphasises that you should take care when meeting up with new people in order to explore BDSM. She explains:
Before you start engaging in BDSM with strangers, make sure you vet them. You want to play with people that are safe, people who understand consent and boundaries.
When vetting someone, you might want to ask about their experience level, how they navigate consent and sexual health, and what their style of communication is, as well as their specific interests in kink and BDSM.
Miss May also recommends thinking carefully about where you might want to meet up with people. Rather than meeting up for the first time at a sex party, where communication can be more difficult, she recommends hiring a private dungeon.
The benefits of hiring a professional to explore BDSM
When it comes to BDSM and kink, many activities require a level of technical knowledge, experience, and care, in order to be safe.
These activities can include knife play, needle play, heavy bondage, electro-stimulation, and more. In these instances, a professional may be better placed to safely carry out these activities, especially if they have had training or specialise in the area.
However, it can also be beneficial to work with a profession if you have a specific kink which your partners are not interested in. Miss May explains:
Hiring a professional for your kinks is something that I would recommend. I myself even hire professionals for any kink that I need. Sometimes, you don't want to put pressure on a play partner to facilitate your specific fantasy. It's important that you hire a professional if you would like to live out a certain fantasy that it's harder to do with a personal play partner.
It’s worth noting that working with a professional can also be an educational experience. As Miss May explains, she also does sessions with couples, with the goal of imparting a specific skill set or technique to someone else.
“I even offer sessions where another partner is watching or another partner is learning,” she explains.
How to apply to serve a professional dominatrix
BDSM and kink are very personal, intimate exchanges, so it’s important to ensure that you find the right person to facilitate your needs.
When it comes to professional dominatrixes, and applying to serve one as a submissive, there are a few tips to keep in mind. Often, the process of reaching out to express your interest helps set the tone for the rest of the dynamic, so it’s important to start on a positive note. Here are Miss May’s top tips.
- Do your research to avoid disappointment.
Make sure you research, there are people who say they're professional, but they're not. You want someone who fits your style and your aesthetic, and can offer the things that you like. You don't want to be disappointed by someone's inability
- Before you reach out to your preferred dominatrix, ensure that you have read their website. Says Miss May:
Before you apply to serve a professional mistress, make sure you read her website and apply accordingly.
- Take care with how you draft your message. She adds:
Dommes do not like it when the subs who are applying waste their time, so make sure your application is written correctly and that you know what you want.
- Be ready and responsive, and expect to put down a deposit.
If you get a reply, make sure you are deposit ready and then book in the session.